So woke up feeling optimistic and content. The mail then came through the door and there was a letter from the benefit agency stating I am apparently able to work, fit enough and is no longer getting a benefit. This is such bullshit. Do they see me on days when I am bed bound, when my fatigue is so bad that I can’t even cook never mind working? That the simplest of tasks is a struggle because the pain is so incredibly, unpredictably, bad? I am not on this benefit for a laugh you know. I do genuinely need it because otherwise I can’t go about my day like a normal human being. So I now wont be able to do anything. 

I am so down it’s hard to even describe. The anxiousness, stress, frustration and sheer upset is just eating me up inside. It’s consuming me right now. To say I am down is an understatement. The worst part is I never even expected it so it floored me more than it would have. Frankly not felt this down for a very long time. Fed up is all I can say. Fed up of people not rating my chronic pain condition as serious. I honestly don’t know what to do. The fact I have no money is not easy to deal with. I feel physically sick whenever I think about it. 

I am just tired of people not understanding the seriousness of chronic pain. It’s something not many people my age have so it makes it harder for people to relate to how harrowing and tough it can be. I just wish society knew more about it and understood the difficulties people have to face with it. As too many people have the mindset of “oh it’s just a bit of pain” trust me I wouldn’t have been on Tramadol if it was just a bit of pain. That in itself should show how serious the level of pain I suffer is. 

This whole process has been far too fast with virtually no warnings at all. So I haven’t even had time to think about it let alone get use to the idea. I know I will need to go out into the big bad world sooner rather than later. But I haven’t had time to even save yet. I was expecting it to be August which would have been perfect for me. But no this is all happened sooner. 

I think it can be appealed again to an independent source, so I will probably end up doing that because I need to save and get myself mentally prepared for all of this. As it isn’t going to be an easy thing for me to do. I also need time to actually research into jobs so I can decide what kind of work is ideal or me at this point. 

I am trying to think rationally but this blow is something my mental state really didn’t need. But hey apparently I am just taking the piss out the system for the laugh of it. The system and Tory Government is so royally fucked and it is why I am even more upset about it all. As I am in the middle of a process that is everything I stand against. When I say that I mean, I am a left wing gal who believes we should have benefits and it shouldn’t be cut. So being in the middle of a process that is wronging society, saying people should work when they aren’t well enough, all because the arsehole Tories want to cut as much as they possibly can from the people of Britain just so they can fill their rich buddies pockets. As apparently that’s a priority right now. I stand firmly against the right wing assholes so I am very passionate about what I believe in. So this makes it harder for me to swallow due to my political, Socialist views.

I am not going to sit around and accepting this just because it’s happening. I am fighting this and not going to let them win. This is so wrong on so many levels. I admit, I know I am not the worst out there, but for example, people who are cancer patients are being told they can work depending on the simple fact if they are having treatment or not. That is beyond ridiculous, how this can possibly be allowed is beyond me. 

But hey, some people might accept things for the way things are just because it’s easy. But I am certainly not. Today I am going to try and relax myself because the worst thing you can do is panic. As it will only make the process much harder to bare. So I plan on lying around, having a bath, watching nothing but Doctor Who and Harry Potter then most likely spend my day listening to The Smiths/Morrissey as those 3 factors are the only thing to calm me down. 

This infection is making me absolutely miserable. I feel so dizzy all the time not sure if thats normal but definitely popping to the Doctors tomorrow can’t go on like this been feel off all weekend now. :( Stupid throat being an ass!! Some TLC, cheering up and cuddles would be perfect right now, le sigh. 

Horrible question: anyone know if having white spots at the back of your throat, sickness & a sore throat is something to visit my Dr about? Also, is it something to worry about & is there any home remedies to help with the swelling or do I need antibiotics?

When I first got diagnosed with my chronic rib pain & condition having to accept it was hard. Harder than anything I have had to go through. Just coming to terms with it, accepting it and trying to live with it was difficult. But I am now in a very positive place now where living with chronic pain isn’t as hard as the beginning and this is all to do with changing my mindset on the way I think. 

I am thinking of starting a blog talking about Chronic pain, discussing what it is, telling you about my experiences, giving you tips on how to deal with it and then blogs on my day-to-day life living with it. (would also do other things in this blog like makeup/etc). What do you guys think? Anyway onto the frustrations of it all…

Living with chronic pain is harder than a lot of people anticipate. People think “oh it’s just a bit of pain how bad could it be?” Well it is pretty serious, it takes over your life and it can make you feel very alone and the emotional aspect is just as bad as the pain. When you have an injury, for example, a broken leg people notice it, help you with it and then empathise with you easily. With absolutely no hesitation because why would they doubt you? You clearly have an injury they can see it in plain sight. But with Chronic pain or even mental illness no one can see your struggles or bruises inside, your level of pain as there is nothing to show people that you aren’t very well or not coping well. So people walk on by, bumping into you because you are ok to them in their eyes. It’s not their fault but sometimes it can almost feel as if a lot of people belittle your condition. Or that nobody believes you so you feel like you’re constantly having to prove to everybody what is going on.

It can feel this way with even people you may know or care about in your life. You might have made a plan one day to go out, everyones excited but when you wake up your pain is worse than expected. You then have to cancel and you can see people thinking “whats the excuse now?” People who don’t suffer from chronic pain don’t realise how one day your pain can be bearable but then the next day your pain be so bad that you can’t get out of bed. You don’t predict it, there is no signs, you just wake up to find what it is going to be like that day. Which that in itself is hard to cope with. This can then become an ongoing problem because you start to cancel more, people start to get annoyed, you then feel all you do is let people down, so then nobody asks you out places anymore because they don’t see the point. Then the vicious circle continues. I am lucky enough to have a few good friends who understand, empathise, don’t put pressure on me and give me space when they feel I need space. But when you feel like all you do is let people down and be the burden friend that nobody wants to be around with anymore, that can be a very hard realisation. However, half the time this thought process is just a negative thought and not actually the truth. But because we believe this thought process is real we then act on them as if they are true. Which then can create more problems. 

So basically what I am trying to say is chronic pain comes with a lot more strings attached to the pain and it’s a lot more than people understand. Yeah you have severe pain but you also have emotional strains, a lot of negative thought processes being turned into what people think is truth (when it really isn’t), you become paranoid thinking no one wants to be around you, you can feel very alone, it can bring on depression and anxiety due to feeling anxious about going out while you also feeling under pressure to make everyone else around you happy. So can you imagine thinking all this each day, while your brain constantly over thinking at 100mph, with also suffering with sever pain? Now do you think it is easy?

My last thing I want to say is please don’t judge people for what they are going through. Whether it’s a chronic illness, chronic pain, a mental illness or anything at all as you have absolutely no idea what it feels like. So don’t belittle something you don’t understand. Just because someone might be smiling that doesn’t mean that their life is in-control. To people going through any form of emotional/physical strain don’t let your chronic pain/condition take over your life and for it to define you as a person. You be who you want to be and don’t listen to anyone who judges you. People don’t like what they don’t understand and sometimes people may make you feel like they are judging you or not believing you. But most of the time they probably just don’t know how to handle something as serious as your condition. So try not to take anything too personally, I learned that the hard way. I have realised that there are a lot of people worse off than me and that I almost need to just get on with it rather then mopping about pitying myself. This is a huge part to why my mindset has changed. I have tried staying positive and getting my life back on track. Just changing my mindset has made me feel like my recovery processes is better. Positivity really is a huge factor into getting a better lifestyle as you can either have a quality of life with pain or having no quality of life with pain. I would rather have a life again so that’s why I am determined to make myself stronger as a person. 

Well it looks like I might be changing my hair colour in the next few weeks. I wont say what I want yet because it will be a surprise but I am definitely overdue a hair change as I have had the exact same hair for 3 years this October. So I am sure I am allowed a change again. I love my red/ginger don’t get me wrong and I will most likely go back to it in the future, but right now I just want and need a change. I am so fed up with it. I will be keeping the style, the bettie bangs, the half and half hair, I will be keeping the black the only change is from red to the mystery colour. 

I am still thinking about it as I don’t want to jump into a decision then be left regretting it. I also don’t want to damage my hair after getting it repaired again. So it will all depend on if I have the guts and if it will wreck it again. But it is looking like a very high possibility. It’s the first hair temptation/urge I have had in 3 years. Hmmmmm will just need to wait and see but I am very excited about this. 

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As we all know I have suffered with chronic rib pain for a good few years now. Well, recently I have changed my mindset to how I deal with the pain. Rather than lying around, feeling sorry for myself and hiding away from it. I am now concurring the pain, meaning, I am socialising, getting my life back on track, doing more, going out and just having a good quality of life again. I use to sit around day to day waking up, getting something to eat then going back to bed and being there all day because I just couldn’t face how hard it was. But now I am feeling like the old Kay again where I do things and not have a care in the world. Of course, I have to do be more responsible and be more sensible but this is all part of the process. 

So today I signed up for a 28 day trial at the gym where I plan on going swimming again and getting back into a healthy lifestyle. I wont be able to do much at the actual gym but I can do the treadmill and bike. Even then that’s still an achievement. I am just so proud of myself for not letting my pain beat me anymore and at least trying my hardest to get back to the old ways. This time last year I was depressed, I was struggling to cope with it, I was getting tests every few weeks and it was just a very daunting experience. So to think a year on I am back into a good place mentally feels good and is a tad emotional because this time last year I just didn’t see the point to anything anymore. Bring this challenge on, I am ready for it and my rib pain can feck off! ;)