This year I have had a pretty tough year adjusting to a lot of emotional and physical torment. My health hasn’t exactly been loving me recently and to say I have had a hard time accepting this is probably an understatement. My rib pain really does get me down but with the support surrounding me I couldn’t be anymore grateful. There’s months go by where I want to hibernate from everyone, I lie in bed all day, watching something along the lines of ‘Torchwood’, ‘Doctor Who’ or ‘Harry Potter’ to take me away from reality and I just go into a dark abyss of a depression that I find hard getting out of. It makes me become very inwardly and I don’t talk to a lot of people until I come round. I don’t understand why this happens I would say it’s the emotional and anxiousness side of the rib pain. Coping with severe pain every day is hard enough but people sometimes don’t realise that the emotional and mental side of things is also just as hard as you are constantly battling against yourself.

However, my groups of friends, my two best friends Vicky & Becky along with my family all keep me going. They leave me when they feel I need to be left alone but they also pep talk me into coming round when they feel I have gone too far into a downer. I don’t think I can express enough how thankful, grateful and appreciative I am of how much they have supported me through this year. Going from being a very sociable and bubbly person to someone completely different hasn’t been easy coping with. But if they didn’t guide me into the right direction at times, I honestly don’t know where I would be today. It’s as if they know when to give me the right pep talks at the right time. 

I am feeling a lot more positive and clearer this week, I have a lot to look forward too and I am heading into the right direction. I now have my benefit to get me by each week, I am starting my counselling after New Year, I am learning to drive so hopefully by spring or summer of 2013 I will be driving, I have the most amazing best friends who support me, my friends are amazing and my family are out of this world. All I need now is my rib pain to go but I am not rushing that I am going to just keep patient. 

I posted a status on Facebook giving my opinions on the new X-Men film called “The Wolverine.” For those of you who don’t know I am pretty knowledgable on X-Men, meaning, I have always loved the comics, cartoons and obviously the films. I am a secret geek but I don’t even care! Before I say what I need to say, I love Wolverine he is a favourite but I think they should focus on just X-Men again. (later found out there is a new X-Men film happening) 

Anyway on Facebook I said this “As a X-Men fanatic, I am naturally very excited about their new film “The Wolverine.” I do love Wolverine and he is one of my favourites (not because of Hugh Jackman may I add). But one thing that is starting to grate on me is the fact they are focusing constantly on Wolverine but why not make another X-Men film on it’s own or even focus on the other characters for a change? He isn’t the only awesome character in X-Men and I think they forget that sometimes. Hmmm.”

I think this is a pretty fair point, so I got into a bit of a debate from an old friend Adam. We always did kinda debate about comics, since he’s all for Batman and DC Comics. When I am all for X-Men and Marvel. So naturally we started to enjoy this debate, then a friend from college got involved. We started throwing constant opinions at each other until all of a sudden we decided jokingly that we should make Comic fan videos. This is all started as a joke after my friend from college Craig said the X-Men directors and The Avengers directors should do a film together but before hand incorporate the Hulk Vs Wolverine comic into a film then slowly build the story line to Wolverine joining The Avengers (in the comics this eventually happens) to finally all of X-Men get involved. Adam and myself both thought this was freaking amazing and then actually started talking properly about doing this together. Not sure if it’s going to officially go ahead but we are in discussion about it. 

I can finally use my Sound/Filming experiences on my own while making fan videos for comics… sorry but eh yes please? If it doesn’t got ahead then at least we did try hahaha! My friends are awesome.  

I physically hate having to explain to people that I don’t drink and why I can’t drink because you know deep down they don’t actually care about the reason. All they know is they want to get drunk. Most people from 18+ only care about going out, getting pished until they are sick and then re-doing that most weekends or most days. This use to  be me, to a certain point, but after not being able to drink because of the amount of tablets I am on and the level of tablets I take I had no choice but to stop. Otherwise I would be ill. I guess it just annoys me knowing that very few people only want to go for a simple coffee and to just have a nice day out. It’s as if life revolves around getting drunk now and when people don’t drink it’s the huge sighs you hear as if that’s a bad thing. I use to enjoy a drink but after being off it, I have learned that I don’t need drink to have fun. Even when my health is back on track and when I am feeling myself without my tablets I honestly can say I can’t see me drinking heavily. I would rather go to a cool pub, listen to amazing music, with my different groups of friends and just have a good time. Rather than pre-drink while getting ready, go into shite clubs, with shite music, amongst uncool people, with sleazy ass boys around me, getting horrifically drunk, drinking shots just so you get drunk quicker, to then go home be sick all night and wake up to a deadly hangover. I am sorry but I have done that a few times and every time I just regret it because it’s just stupid.

Why can’t nowadays people our age just go out for a fun, non-alocholic day or why can’t people our age not go into town to a pub without getting horrendously drunk? I genuinely don’t get it. 

For a long time now I have been getting odd dreams about me and an old best friend who meant the world to me. I was speaking to my best friends about this and telling them what had been going on after I saw her post a video of us from a year ago and posted it on a day where it would have been a year that day we fell out. So not to sound weird but for a while I had been thinking a lot about the past, my mistakes and things I could have changed. I do this a lot at times where things are a bit crappy for me. So for about a month now I have been having dreams where I see Stephanie and apologise or where it takes me back to the whole crappy situation. Now I am not saying this dream is trying to tell me something but when either someone close to me dies or where I loose someone close to me or even when things happen and I want to change it. I always get a dream constantly about the same thing. I don’t know why but I do. So I knew subconsciously I felt bad at what I said to her and wish I still had her as a best friend. So tonight I have messaged her apologising. I am a bit freaked out and stressed that I have actually turned round and decided to do this. But I needed to clear my head and this is something that is going to take a weight off my shoulders. I am not expecting us to be best friends ever again but just admitting that I was at fault too is going to help me. If she doesn’t reply at least she knows now she doesn’t need to feel guilty anymore and that’s the main thing. 

I feel useless these days…

Normally, I am the strong one keeping all my friends and family together and keeping them happy. So to feel weak and dependent on them for a change and not being able to give good advice because I can’t cope with my own problems really is a strange and horrible feeling for me. Makes me feel even worse. 

I guess pretending everything was ok in my head, not talking and “being the strong one” has taken it’s tole on me.  

Today has been a pretty daunting day for me, worse than I expected it to be. Went to the doctors to have my check up on my blood pressure since it was a bit high 2 weeks ago. But instead of that being the issue she said my heart is going a bit fast, she knew it was down to stress so she sat speaking to me about what has been going on and why I am feeling this stress. Luckily, she is a lovely woman who is really understanding and also I had my Gran in with me for support so that’s a plus. I came out quite shaken so I am just blessed my Gran was there. We done a couple of things we needed to do then when we came home where I just flopped. I got upset, I told her all my worries and then went for a bath. Dinner time came then afterwards all of a sudden this knot in my chest appeared, I knew it was a panic attack coming on. So she took me into her room, we sat on her bed, looked out her window and people watched then she gave me the loveliest pep talk and hug that I will never forget. I know it will be a time that will stick with me for a very long time because I just melted. 

Recently has just been so tough for me. I have had a couple of deaths in the family, we may not have been the closest but I stress when my family members are upset because my Mum, my Dad and Gran (when my Granpa was live him also) were all so close and growing up us 4 were as thick as thieves. So when one is down we are all down due to the fact we are so in-sync with one another. On top of all that, I have been battling with horrendous rib pain which is classed as chronic pain due to 4 different conditions. I know I am not the worst but it doesn’t make it easy. This is also on top of the mental and emotional state that comes with it while trying to accept a lot of things that go with it that I seem not to be able too. 

Honestly my mind feels like it’s going 100mph and my body just feels like it’s giving up on me. Without my family, my 2 best friends, my friends and my online friends who also support I would be 10x worse. 

*sorry for venting on here a lot about my rib pain and emotional state, right now it’s the only way to get it all out!